WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN: * Dogs don't cry. * Dogs love it when your friends come over. * Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo. * Dogs think you sing great. * A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. * Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. * The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. * Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. * Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. * Dogs are excited by rough play. * Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away. * Dogs understand that farts are funny. * Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. * Anyone can get a good-looking dog. * If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. * Dogs don't shop. * Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. * A dog's disposition stays the same all month long. * Dogs never need to examine the relationship. * A dog's parents never visit. * Dogs love long car trips. * Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. * Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted. * When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it. * Dogs like beer. * Dogs don't hate their bodies. * No dog ever bought a Kenny G album. * No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood. * Dogs never criticize. * Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. * Dogs never expect gifts. * It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house. * Dogs don't worry about germs. * Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had. * Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer. * Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives. * Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one. * You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day. * Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry. * Dogs don't borrow your shirts. * Dogs never want foot-rubs. * Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public. * Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. * Dogs can't talk. * Dogs aren't catty. * Dogs seldom outlive you. HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE: * Both look stupid in hats. * Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting. * Both tend to have "hip" problems. * Neither understand football. * Both look good in a fur coat. * Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say. * Neither believe that silence is golden. * Both constantly want back rubs. * Neither can balance a checkbook. * You can never tell what either of them is thinking. * Both put too much value on kissing. HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS * It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman. * Women look good in sweaters. * Women leave the room to fart.