Form Letter for a Spammer:
   
   Dear 09234243ajhkhads@dontmissthis.com,

   Thank you for your concern about the size of my penis. But I like it
   just fine, thank you, and over the years I have discovered my own
   ways of enlarging it.

   Thank you also for your kind offer to find out anything about anybody
   for me. But when I need to find out about people, I usually ask them.
   Maybe we can have a cup of coffee or a beer. If I can't find them,
   then perhaps that's because they'd rather be left alone.

   You want me to know more about golf balls. While I applaud your
   enthusiasm, I have always found golf to be a tedious sport played by
   obnoxious people in bad clothes. The less I know about golf, the
   happier I will be.

   I live in a country where even the police don't carry guns, so I have
   no wish to bullet proof my tyres in the immediate future. I will keep
   your mail on file in case London is invaded by an army of one foot
   high snipers.

   The economy of Nigeria may well offer some extremely lucrative
   opportunities, but as it has remained firmly at the head of the UN
   Corruption List for over a decade, I doubt if many of these
   opportunities are legitimate. I invest in an emerging market fund,
   and will let the managers of that decide where my money is best
   spent. This seems more sensible than meeting you at Lagos airport
   with a suitcase full of cash, especially as I do not own (and do not
   intend to buy) a car with bulletproof tyres.

   I am not going to consider any clinical procedure offered by people
   who cannot spell "surgical."

   I have undergone many years of expensive analysis to come to terms
   with my identity. I do not need a new one.

   A free holiday and free trainers sound very nice. But I have a
   question: How will Disney or Nike know that an e-mail has been sent a
   million times? Do they read all e-mails on the planet? Talk me
   through the mechanics of this. On second thoughts, please don't.

   If women could be seduced instantly with a spray, then a lot of very
   expensive restaurants would have gone out of business by now. As I
   don't see that happening, I can only assume that life in general and
   seduction in particular remain more complex than you would have me
   believe.

   Which brings us to teens. One's teenage years are at the best of
   times difficult, often marked by emotional confusion and low
   self-esteem. Trixie, I cannot see how you are helping your "teen
   friends" by describing them as "Cum hungry sluts." As you are
   obviously something of a ringleader, I think that you should consider
   setting a better example. Thanks to the prevalence of porn sites on
   the internet, nurses and nuns are finding it difficult to find out
   anything useful about their professions on search engines. The same
   goes for unfortunate nymphomaniac cheerleaders.

   While I am gratified that you continually select me as an individual
   to be kept informed of such exciting developments in golf, capitalism
   and human sexuality, in future, please, don't call me. I'll call you.

   Yours,

   Brian@NOSPAM.COM

Found on the web at: http://www.sweetfancymoses.com/millar_spammers.htm
(GP May 2002)